As a follow-up to Jennifer’s contributor post yesterday, I wanted to offer up my “not so new wife” tips. As I am only an expert in my marriage, this is not prescriptive advice. It is simply things I’ve noticed in my own marriage and in the marriages of friends and family I’ve been privileged to know.
When is the newlywed stage truly over? From my best research, it looks as though most people consider the newlywed stage finished after one to two years. Some people like to joke that they are still newlyweds, even when they’ve clearly not just been married. However, by the time you’re nearing the seven year itch, it’s safe to assume you’re not newly wed anymore.
Husband and I have been married about a month shy of seven years. We walked down the aisle just three weeks after I’d celebrated my 20th birthday. We met and started dating when I was 16 years old. We were most certainly married young. In our marriage, I think that was a very good thing.
Being married young has allowed us to grow in wisdom and stature together, each still rather flexible and willing to adapt. We are both very strong minded individuals who knew what we wanted out of life, so that probably helped our cause. In any regard, I always say, I wouldn’t necessarily encourage my sons to get married as young as we did…but it has worked out beautifully for us.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Know your partner. Such a key to the success of our marriage thus far is to really be students of each other. We strive to learn more about each other’s tendencies, preferences, and desires. It feels like a special, comfy kind of love to have someone know the small preferences in life.
Spend some time doing your own thing. I’ve found it invaluable to have a little time to do my own thing. This allows me to cultivate interests, read books, and meet people that keep my life interesting. When my life is interesting to me, my life is interesting to my husband. This needn’t be days alone at a time, but I make sure to enjoy the nights when my husband travels. I have a day per week of childcare to pursue the work that is my ministry and my contribution to our family’s financial goals. I make sure to enjoy this time and not begrudge any of it. I don’t think there is an “amount” of time that is necessary to spend apart, but pursue something of your own. Even reading counts.
Know there will be ebbs and flows. It’s okay. Some seasons of life are harder than others. In some seasons I am head over heels, making out all the time, dating my Husband like crazy. Some seasons we are so exhausted we just try to get from bedtime to bedtime as best we can. At first, these ebbs freaked me out. After a few years, I noticed that the tide came back in just as surely as it ebbed to begin with. There is huge comfort in knowing you just need to bide your time and push through a rough season.
Be in YOUR marriage. Your marriage is the only one you can be in. You don’t need to invite others in, either. Know who you seek wisdom from. Learn from what you can observe in other marriages. But, don’t be too concerned with how other people do it. Your marriage is made up of two unique individuals, in a unique time and place, with unique childhoods, learning through unique personalities, synergized in a unique way. There is no way to compare what you have to what someone else has.
Like each other. That’s pretty simple right? My best days in my marriage are when I think Husband is rad, no matter what. He is my standard of rad and leadership and strength, and I am his standard of rad and beauty. It’s really good to be friends, and it’s great to be each other’s biggest fan.
