This big announcement, if I’m honest, was supposed to come sometime this past February. I was expecting our fourth child, newly pregnant. I had enjoyed 3 previous healthy and routine pregnancies. I come from a long line of women who get pregnant when they want, and bounce those same babies nine months later. There was no reason to assume things wouldn’t follow according to plan.
I thought I was getting really good at being pregnant. Somehow, by the 4th child, I’d finally learned how to outsmart the all day vomiting and incredible exhaustion. I was so proud of myself. I was keeping up with writing, I was keeping up around the house, and I was absolutely as creative as ever.
Looking back, that should have been my first warning sign. Even more than the obvious pregnancy symptoms, it is utterly predictable that I will experience a months long creative drought in early pregnancy. But, it wasn’t so that time.
Shortly after telling the first group of friends (some of you at Blissdom), I went to an ultrasound only to find out the baby no longer had a heartbeat at 9 1/2 weeks.
It was a terribly confusing time for me. More than anything, I just wanted to move past it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to cry about it. I just didn’t want to be the “girl who had a miscarriage”. But, it is impossible to not be–when you are.
In the whole experience, I have learned that women deal with and process pregnancy loss differently. Some openly mourn, some quietly mourn. Most, I’ve found, question whether they are grieving appropriately. Some worry they feel too much, some worry they aren’t feeling sad enough.
I’m not an expert at miscarriage grief. I didn’t even want to talk about it when it was happening. I am just now starting to venture my thoughts with the safest of people and in the most offhanded ways. What I do know, though, is that there is no right way to go through it. You go through it the best you can.
All weekend, I’ve been feeling incredibly grateful to have another chance at pregnancy. We’re anticipating our family growing by one more, and praying that it will be so. We’ve had a few good ultrasounds and have made it to 15 weeks. This tiny little baby will, Lord willing, join our family in mid-late January.
P.S.–The boys hope it will be a girl.