By Wednesday afternoon, I could feel my nerves in my throat. I was wound tight and my head thumped like a drum. Every slight request from one of the boys sounded like a tambourine in my ears, loud and crashing–all dissonance and clammer.
It caught me off guard. Although, maybe it shouldn’t have. To be truthful, it’s been a long time since my nerves have felt like frayed wires and my only defaults were snap and react. But, I’ve found myself there again.
Anxiety finds me in the strangest of ways, it’s flashpoint never exactly matching the way it spills forth. It would have been obvious if suddenly I was afraid of running or industrial facilities. But, I think that’s why it took me so long to recognize.
When Asher was born and then was suddenly so sick, I was fine while he was in the hospital and until he was home safe. I was all adrenaline and caffeine. But, when he got home and was settled in, I felt myself unable to cope with the sounds and the stimulus of our home life. Although I healed remarkably quickly from his birth, my body felt awful. I started having irrational fear that my health was failing. Stress can do crazy things to your body, and an already over-burdened mind can become unmoored and travel down a rabbit trail you never sought.
Muscle tension, body aches, edginess, restlessness, stomach aches, fatigue. That is how I experience anxiety. For me, anxiety sneaks up. Before I ever feel fear or worry, I feel the physical symptoms. Because of that, it takes me awhile to realize I’m not actually or physically ill. It takes me awhile to realize that there is a deeper or underlying cause for the way I’m feeling.
This week, with all of the sad and scary news, I found myself feeling alarmingly like I did at the beginning of my Postpartum Anxiety with Asher. It took me until Friday to realize it, but, looking back over the week I can see the progression.
Normally, I’ll kind of let small household things slip because I’m feeling a little off my game. Then, I’ll find myself overwhelmed by emails and phone calls–things that are normally not a problem. Before I know it, my shoulders are hanging out up near my ears and I’m so tense that every sound has me startled. I’m normally completely fatigued, and therefore drinking copious amounts of caffeine (a known nemesis for anxiety sufferers everywhere).
It was hard to put a name to my feelings after Asher was born. I wasn’t afraid of caring for him or taking him out in public. I wasn’t afraid he was going to get sick or be the victim of tragedy. BUT, because I felt so physically awful I became afraid for my own health. I became very convinced I was dying of a very particular ailment. Would I be taken away and unable to care for him? I think for me, my anxiety boils down to control. My anxiety was triggered by my complete loss of control when he was sick.
When my world feels shaken and upside down, I have a hard time believing the goodness of God. I begin to wonder exactly just how sovereign God really is. I have a hard time reconciling His goodness with what He allows. It becomes increasingly difficult to rest and abide in Him for my everyday–and I find myself frantically striving. In teeny tiny ways and very quick decisions, I begin to try to do it on my own strength and in my own power. Certainly, if God allows terrible things to happen then it’s time for me to take the reigns.
I should know better, and I really do. I wish my mind wouldn’t disobey and betray me. I know that I am incapable of adding even an hour to my life, so I’m unsure why I’m so sure I’d run things better than God. My experience has shown me that when I try to grab control, then I’m leaving the safe harbor of the only way I know to right my ship.
It’s no wonder when I choose to go it alone, suddenly unsure of provision and power and purpose and protection, that I feel small and unfettered. I wish that in the times of uncertainty that I’d hunker down and stay lashed close. I wish that I’d tie up to the strongest, unmoving, unchanging thing I know.
Thankfully, I’m learning and that’s what I did last week. I know I promised a simple memory keeping series, but instead I needed to practice some quiet and some self-care. I needed to find my way back to the safety of the docks, to tie familiar knots, to ride out the storm.
Life isn’t certain. We aren’t promised tomorrow and certainly not comfort. Honestly? I don’t know what to do with the events of this past week. There isn’t a neat and tidy box I can fit that crazy into. But, I do know that the only way I can find peace is through His Spirit–and right now that’s the only comfort I can find.