So, my brother Brad graduated high school this weekend. I’m almost 10 years older than Brad. I distinctly remember when he was born and how he charmed my friends when he was in preschool. Brad was 7 when Mike and I started dating. 7 years old. My Noah is six and a half today–and now, Brad is a man. I am a cliche and I know it, but I am utterly floored at how fast time goes. As I was wrapped up in high school, and then young married life, and then young babies, my brother went and grew up.
My dad always wanted Brad and I to be close. Sometimes it felt like he pushed that on me almost frantically. He values family, and he knows siblings are often the glue that hold a family together. I think deep down he knew how hard that would be for us. We’re ten years apart and opposite genders. For years I felt more like an aunt than a big sister.
The summer before we moved back to Indiana, Brad came to stay with us in North Carolina. It was supposed to be a time for he and Mike to spend hours together doing “guy” things, and a break from some family turbulence at home. But, as God moved and our hearts changed–we knew our time in North Carolina was drawing to a close. Mike moved back to Indiana to start a job, and I stayed behind that summer with Noah and Cooper to try to sell our house. I was terrified that summer, mostly because Brad was still coming to stay. We hadn’t spent any quantifiable time together in years–from what I could tell, like most 15 year olds, he was hard to impress. I felt 100% uncool for the first time in a long time.
But, as we spent time together doing normal life things, it got easier to be around each other. He cemented himself as a favorite man in my boys’ lives. I learned that summer that the key to a teenager’s heart is earned through the hours you spend with them. If you aren’t spending the normal time together when there isn’t a crisis–don’t expect to be allowed in when there is.
That summer, there were lots of awkward moments. We got lots of stink-eye from people when we’d go anywhere, because he is chivalrous and would push my double stroller holding two small boys around the city. People either thought I’d robbed the cradle or we were WAY too young to be cutting class and hitting the mall with our kids. But, we also watched lots of River Monsters and other silly TV shows late at night when there was nothing else to do. Those are the moments when I really learned my brother. Those are the hours that bonded us as siblings–the hours we missed out on when I got married and left home.
That summer, truth be told? That summer, I wanted to call and bail on him. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t a convenient time for him to come visit. I wanted to tell him that the summer of fun we had planned for him was not going to happen. I wanted to explain that we couldn’t entertain him and that it would be boring and that he should just stay in Indiana. But, I also knew that he’d been bailed on a few times in his life. So, I did what I least wanted to do and I stuck it out.
I fed that teenage boy gobs. We went for a lot of late-night fast food. We watched dumb TV and took road trips and walked the kids in the double stroller. He asked his questions and I asked mine. He told me the way he remembered growing up and I added my perspective. He told me things I didn’t want to hear, and I’m sure I challenged the way he thought about things. We stayed up way too late, and then I’d tip toe around the next morning trying to let him sleep in.
In short, we finally got to feel like brother and sister. I got to be on his team and show him that I wasn’t going anywhere. I finally got to show up and prove to him that I was going to keep showing up.
That was a huge part of us moving back to Indiana. We wanted to be the steady for Brad that he didn’t always have. We wanted to show up, because God shows up.
And, he’s graduated now. I cried at his graduation, standing behind the crowd and rocking my little baby as he fussed. Brad’s going to Xavier University this fall, and truth be told, I’m going to miss him. Even still, I’m excited to get to show up in a different way now. I can’t wait to figure out how to love a college kid well. I can’t wait to get to know the man he’s growing into and see the ways he changes and all the ways he’s still the same.
Something about milestones and ceremonies and celebrations make you so aware of the passage of time. It aches and it overflows all at the same time. And really, I think because of the passage of time, finally, Brad and I have the relationship my dad dreamed of for us.